The last several days saw crushing defeats: Grayson Allen saw a season of controversy end in karma when South Carolina toppled Duke; the FBI found Tom Brady’s missing jerseys and nabbed the culprit; Nikki Minaj bested Aretha Franklin as the female artist with the most Hot 100 hits by a female artist. However, The biggest matchups have yet to be decided.
Last week, Texas HS Football announced Mascot Melee March Madness, a Sweet 16 of mascots to determine the very best in the Lone Star state. Tomorrow will usher in the Elite Eight of these otherworldly cheerleaders – bizarre critters in foam costumes that entertain the masses. Here are the results so far:
Unicorns vs. Bluecats
People apparently don’t like EDM artists and prefer magical creatures instead. The unicorns currently have a magical 62% of the vote, goring the Bluecats with their enchanting horns. New Braunfels may have the edge because of their production budget. The Trojan unicorn carted onto the field has inspired fear in their opponents or bales of uncontrollable laughter.
Fighting Farmers vs. Punchers
In this particularly violent ring, both mascots are hurling jabs as the most aggressive in Texas. The Punchers have flung combinations to a 69% lead on the judges score cards, countering fighting farmers weak corn-fed punches with some nasty Mason uppercuts.
Pied Pipers vs. Ro-Hawks
A matchup of the strange and unusual, the Pied Pipers have tooted their flute to a 59% edge. Fans seem to like the roided out fable protagonist over a name that bored children created during their drawing time class and giddy parents happily stuck on the fridge. Ro-hawk still sounds like a Disney cartoon that will make an appearance in the not too distant future.
Hippos vs. Highlanders
Elephants never forget, nor do they forgive. Neither do hippos; with their powerful jaws and remarkable speed, the bloated water dwellers just want to see the world burn around their habitat. The Hutto legends are currently capsizing the boat of the Highlanders with 79% of the vote, stamping them senseless underwater to a painful suffocation/drowning/squished death. Even Christopher Lambert doesn’t have the power in this one.
Blizzards vs. Sandies
Freak shows used to be a popular attraction at any carnival, back when ethics was just a suggestion and women didn’t have rights. The Blizzards and the Sandies are bizarre weather mascots in Texas, one blowing sand and the other blowing frigid discomfort – something we never see in the Lonestar State. Inspired by Winter’s strange mascot, the Blizzards are currently chilling the competition with a 62% edge in voting. After getting stuck behind a baseball diamond in little league because of a dust storm, I’ve got a special soft spot for anything not named the Sandies.
Stingarees vs. Skeeters
The spelling isn’t the only thing scary about these mascots. The Skeeters have 58% of the vote, leading the half-breed Stingarees for the scariest mascot creation in the state. Both look like creatures that stumbled out of the House of Torment and desperately needed a gig. Not only do they frighten competitors, but children are often seen burying their faces in their parents’ bodies to avoid years of future therapy.
Gobblers vs. Plowboys
The closest outcome is between these two Texas mascot staples,
both questionable names that would raise some eyebrows outside State line. The Gobblers are up by a mere 51%, forcing the Plowboys to go and do whatever they slave over in the fields. It’s turkey versus farm boy, which sounds like a thanksgiving special of Star Wars that fortunately never happened.
Exporters vs. Buttons
The Exporters are sending out buttons to countries at an expedited rate, besting the article of clothing by 58%. Fun fictional fact: most graduates of Brazosport hate exporting.
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