Hollywood recently announced “Sporror” — a new sub-genre of horror about sports. If the countless Transformers sequels can make money, the movie biz bigwigs figured anything was possible at this point.
A global studio called Gunpowder & Sky has joined forces with Mandalay Sports media to launch the concept. Both companies sound like Russian fronts to conceal their illegal weapons manufacturing business. The first film in the series is entitled Lucky Number.
As we wait with baited breath for what is sure to be a contender for the Razzies, let’s countdown the best “Sporror” scenes in movies:
Spalding To The Skull — Deadly Friend (1986)
Wes Craven is a legendary horror director of such classics as “Nightmare on Elm Street” and “Scream”. However, you’re not going to find “Deadly Friend” on any ‘Best Of’ lists anytime soon. In the clip, Craven looks like he employed his intoxicated uncle, dressed him in drag and lead the stumbling relative onto his film set.
The movie has something to do with a woman being resurrected with a microchip in her brain that makes her have super strength, but the star is this frumpy woman that utters ineligible lines and walks through the frame clearly looking for her mark and missing it by a foot. She is then bludgeoned in the face by a basketball. The body somehow walks around for awhile before falling, which essentially describes Craven’s career post the “Scream” franchise.
Michael Myers MMA — Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
We all know Busta Rhymes as the legendary MC with high-speed rap skills, but most forget his role in taking down Michael Myers in Halloween: Resurrection.
In this one, the famed artist shows off some mixed martial arts skills against a hapless boogeyman, who gets tossed around the room like an upstart rapper trying to compete against Busta in a freestyle battle. The Bruce Lee scream and flying round house temporarily stuns Michael Myers, but the follow-up front kick sends him tumbling out the window like a flung horror doll some spoiled Goth child would toss at Hot Topic. According to MTV.com, Rhymes called it “the most flavorful ‘Halloween’ story.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsvvUKgq0ZY
Volleyballs — Top Gun (1986)
Nothing prepares you for the bromance competition that unfolds in Top Gun. In one second, Tom Cruise informs a fellow airman “Slider, you stink” as Kenny Loggins music starts crescendoing in the background. Suddenly, Cruise is shirtless and sweaty; beautiful men begin batting a volleyball at each other for 1:42 seconds. One man howls like an alpha wolf in heat; Tom Cruise slaps more hands than greeting members at a Scientology church; Val Kilmer poses like he’s at an Abercrombie photoshoot. It also doesn’t help that the song is literally titled “Playing With The Boys.”
No-look Basketball Skillz— Alien: Resurrection (1997)
For most ardent horror fans, the Alien films don’t exist post-James Cameron’s entry. After director David Fincher ran the franchise into the ground with the awful “Alien 3” aka “Monks in Space”, Sigourney Weaver reluctantly rejoined the films for a fourth installment, collecting a reportedly obscene contract for another lousy flick.
Protagonist Ripley is reborn with some impressive basketball skills, lacing up the And-1’s post lock-up. While being interrogated by the rest of the motley crew, Weaver effortlessly flips the ball over her head into the basket without looking and silently walks off, which is the equivalent of having brain damage if you ever pulled off the same mute celebration in the NBA.
The Whole Movie — The Faculty (1998)
This is the result of Robert Rodriguez brainstorming for “Spy Kids”, if the juvenile tale of bad parenting occurred at a high school and involved aliens. The blatant “Invasions of the Body Snatchers” ripoff has so many scenes of football carnage that it resembles a typical Oakland Raiders tailgater.
Coach Willis is played by the guy who was the T-1000 in “T2” and is possessed by some extraterrestrials and starts acting erratically. Oh, and Usher is in this one, with a soundtrack of mostly ‘70s covers by Creed, Garbage and Sheryl Crow.
The Monstars Reveal — Space Jam (1996)
“Space Jam” is still the best basketball movie ever made. Before Lebron James makes “Space Jam 2” — where he joins the Monstars and claims he’s not on a stacked team — enjoy Michael Jordan’s incredible acting in front of a green screen and interacting with foam balls attached to polls. Lets not forget the purpose of the Monstars is to enslave the Looney Tunes for some struggling amusement park, which is clearly a metaphor for what team owners do with their struggling teams.
Drilled By Football — Prom Night III: The Last Kiss (1990)
I’m not sure what was so special about the previous entries in the “Prom Night” series that created this trilogy of horror. Or why it’s subtitle is “The Last Kiss”. Some homophobic captain of the football team — whose dialogue primarily consists of calling other people homophobic slurs — meets a gnarly end when he’s penetrated by a football that turns into a drill pigskin. The science behind this makes zero sense, but the limp-wrist pass in this scene surely couldn’t obliterate the boy.
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