With the upcoming combine and draft, I was tasked by our editorial team to compile a list of all Texas talent, if they were selected in the first round.
You read that right.
Imagine you’ve awoken in an alternative universe where Texas has seceded and the NFL is only drafting high school and collegiate Lone Star boys.
The following is picks 11-20 in that reality.
Disclaimer: This is a mock draft for Texas talent only. If you don’t like Lone Star State football, read no further. I acknowledge that most of these competitors are second-third round picks. There are obviously more qualified and better fits for the following teams, but as a Southern Friday Night Light enthusiast, I don’t care!
11. New Orleans Saints (7-9)
Justin Evans, S (Texas A&M)
New Orleans has been a city of sports mania lately: The NBA All-star Game was relocated from Charlotte to Louisiana; Anthony Davis won the game’s MVP, tallying the most points ever in the game, his connected brow the size of most of the fans in attendance; DeMarcus Cousins was traded to the Pelicans for some Mardi Gras beads, a masquerade mask and a weeks worth of gumbo.
DeMarcus Cousins and Anthony Davis having their first official meeting as teammates
(Video via @WhistleSports)pic.twitter.com/uWoKpfog3E
— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) February 20, 2017
(A convo often had between Drew Brees and Sean Payton)
What’s absent in The Big Easy is great football. The Saints haven’t been good since 2013 and have four losing seasons in the last five years. Coach Sean Payton must address a lousy defense that was the worst against the pass last year and will mine the availability of secondary draftees. Former Buffalo signee Jairus Byrd has a fat contract, as obnoxious on the Saints cap as an obese tourist stumbling around Bourbon Street, hauling one of those long margarita funnels and bellowing out for beads.
Boogie: How many times did you tell the media you weren’t gonna trade me?
Kings: … pic.twitter.com/8FkEjkkjZf
— Ahmad Nabahani (@a_nabahani) February 20, 2017
(Sacramento fans are #sadbae right now)
Cutting Byrd saves the team $20 million over a three year period. Aggies safety Justin Evans could be a benefit to the position, accounting for four interceptions and seven pass breakups as a senior.
12. Cleveland Browns (from Philadelphia Eagles) (1-15)
Trevor Knight, QB (San Antonio Reagan, Texas A&M)
Jimmy Garoppolo has been the subject of numerous trade talks for Cleveland – after all, the Pats love the Browns. They received coach Bill Belichick gift wrapped from the franchise and fielded the most ex-Clevelanders in the Super Bowl then any other team. Jimmy G. is in for a culture shock; after throwing to Julian Edelman, Gronk and Danny Amendola, he’ll have the privilege of passing to former Oakland Raiders quarterback Terrelle Pryor.
Parents- please check your children’s candy this Halloween!! I just found 2 Browns tickets in my kids bag!! 😑😤😬 pic.twitter.com/QTwHSLv4VM
— McNeil (@Reflog_18) October 30, 2016
(What’s worse than razors in apples? Oh wait…)
An insurance shot-caller at this pick could be wise for a team that has started 26 quarterbacks since 1999. Similar to Garoppolo, A&M quarterback Trevor Knight is a heartthrob and has earned the love and affection of Katy Perry and ex-girlfriend Duck Dynasty star Sadie Robertson.
(Knight never called, too busy blowing on a duck caller)
The mansome Reagan grad did better than expected at College Station, posting a 6-0 start and throwing for 2,432 yards for 19 touchdowns. The tag-team of Garoppolo and Knight will sell millions of Cleveland jerseys to screaming little girls, because when marketers think little girls, they obviously equate it to the Cleveland Browns.
Hey, anything for a buck.
@JoeSantagato I still have the @pizzahut cologne!! pic.twitter.com/ZVFyUufAXT
— Kathy (@leafsweetie) November 30, 2016
13. Arizona Cardinals (7-8-1)
Seth Russell, QB (Garland, Baylor)
Carson Palmer is pushing 40 and went from a fantasy stud to a man borderline joining retiree Brett Favre in a Wrangler commercial. The Cards need someone throwing to Larry Fitzgerald, or else he’ll retire and go for his doctorate at the University of Phoenix, bombarding us with endless commercials shoving his accomplishments down our throats.
(Gosh, Fitz. I’ll go to school, just stop tugging my heart strings)
Baylor quarterbacks usually don’t do well in the NFL, but frontman Seth Russell has the physicality and athleticism to change the disappointing trend. A prospect whose draft value will increase after the combine, Russell threw for 2,126 yards and 20 touchdowns in nine starts, leading the Bears to a surprising undefeated start before injuries derailed the program, like Art Briles writing a tell-all for his involvement in the Title IX scandal.
Russell couldn’t be any worse than this:
QB2 getting a little excited on the #AZCardinals sideline.#AZvsSEA | #SNF pic.twitter.com/eHo7Jlk1F0
— Arizona Cardinals (@AZCardinals) November 16, 2015
(Wasn’t a great quarterback, but certainly knew the art of shadow boxing.)
14. Indianapolis Colts (8-8)
Samaje Perine, RB (Pflugerville Hendrickson, Oklahoma)
Migos recently performed on Ellen, rapping the lyrics of “Bad and Boujee”. The crowd danced uncertainly, looking at each other like they didn’t have a clue of what was going on. I don’t know what “Boujee” means, but the Colts are certainly “Bad”, and fans reactions are very similar to the ones seen in Ellen’s studio. After coach Chuck Pagano was guaranteed to be sacked, owner Jim “12-step” Irsay kept the faith, firing the GM instead.
(The Ellen pairing is as unusual as Brittney with Limp Bizkit.)
Indy is coming off two consecutive 8-8 records, and have a very old back in 33-year-old Frank Gore, who is barreling along but could definitely use an injection of youth in the offensive backfield. Samaje Perine split carries with Joe Mixon for the Sooners, finishing with 1,060 yards and 12 scores; his college highlight came when he set the single-game rushing record in 2014, racking up 427 yards and five touchdowns in an outing.
(He’s a magic man – Heart.)
Perine also proposed to his girlfriend with the help of a magician – a strange combination that still doesn’t hold a candle to the Migos-DeGeneres collab.
Migos pulled up on the Ellen show with racks 💰 pic.twitter.com/STIDQIIgxk
— TooManyDecisions (@ManyDecisions) February 20, 2017
(Something that will only look worse as we age.)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (from Minnesota Vikings) (7-9)
KD Cannon, WR (Mount Pleasant, Baylor)
Have you seen your father cry before? The offspring of Minnesota Vikings fans certainly have; snotty fits of uncontrollable sobbing over the loss of Teddy Bridgewater, diminishing talents of AP and losing their first round pick in the draft.
Philly fathers ain’t crying. In fact, they’re stoked for what the future holds for quarterback Carson Wentz, a man who was immediately hated for not giving obnoxious Pennsylvania men autographs at the airport.
(Yet, they accepted a serial dog murderer with open arms)
“Philly pholks” are easily offended, but not as offensive as the lack of receiving options around the cities new ginger quarterback. Taking someone that could stretch the field alongside Nelson Agholor and Dorial Green-Beckham would help the franchise QB development. Baylor lead receiver KD Cannon finished his college career with a bang – In the Cactus Bowl, Cannon accounted for 226 yards and two scores, adding to his 1,030 yards total on the season.
“Philly phans” will likely hurl some colorful insults on the former Mount Pleasant graduate, especially since he dedicated his Cactus Bowl MVP win to coach Briles.
16. Baltimore Ravens (8-8)
Daeshon Hall, DE (Lancaster, Texas A&M)
Ever since the Flacco McDonald’s contract, the Ravens have been so-so, possessing three losing seasons in four years. While the quarterback has a worrisome fast food habit, the rest of the team has been a revolving door of talent; the last three years saw three different lead receivers, three Avs and two rushers.
(Filming was interrupted by Kap’s unusual compulsion to kneel.)
With 4x NFL Most Attractive player recipient Terrell Suggs getting long in the tooth, adding a pass rusher behind Matt Judon and Ziggy Smith would be wise. The Ravens ranked 14th in sacks (29) and need to find a defensive presence to make the unit feared again.
6. Terrell Suggs
-washed
-ugly as hell
-refuses to say the GOAT’s name pic.twitter.com/8Do8EAEWCg— SUPER BOWL CHAMPS (@PatriotsFans1) February 21, 2017
(This year’s most eligible bachelor.)
Aggie defensive end Daeshon Hall has the physicality and muscular frame to fill an outside linebacker slot, excelling at interior rushing as a 3-4 defensive end. In 13 games his senior year, Hall managed 4.5 sacks for 34 yards of loss.
17. Washington Redskins (8-7-1)
Quincy Adeboyejo, WR (Cedar Hill, Mississippi)
Yet another season has gone by, and the Washington Redskins still have the same name. Change is imminent though… by 2027, whenever the lease at FedEx Field expires and the Skins have to relocate. By then, mankind will likely have the ability to change the color of our epidermis, and enhance our body with animal parts. Washington Alligator People or Washington Greenskins used to sound like the bad writing of NFL fan fiction, where Roger Goodell is a buff shirtless crusader, ridding the NFL of deflated balls and concussion. By the 20’s, it could be a real option, similar to colored contacts, or butt implants.
Petition to Rename Redskins as The Washington Harambes #harambe #meme pic.twitter.com/nfO1w2oBzm
— 🔷MEMES&stuff🔷 (@DankMemes_ONLY) September 19, 2016
(A totally non-offensive alternative.)
We won’t know for many years what the new Washington moniker will be. In the meantime we have the joy of bug-eyed Kirk Cousins getting paid more than he deserves and giving us more quotes off-the-field than wins on-the-field. Both stud receivers in Pierre Garcon and DeSean Jackson are free agents and in their 30s, so another option for the over-caffeinated quarterback would be wise. Seriously, the dude looks like a kid that snuck a six-pack of Surge.
On the left: Bo Scarbrough in 10th grade…On the right: Me in 11th grade. Now I know why Alabama never called. pic.twitter.com/CS3IVIP9ib
— Kirk Cousins (@KirkCousins8) January 10, 2017
(At least he acknowledges his limitations.)
Mississippi recruit Quincy Adeboyejo combined for 1,000+ yards for eight touchdowns his last two seasons; the former Cedar Hill standout possesses desirable height for an offensive weapon and swift on-field intelligence. The pronunciation of his name is also painstakingly spelled out on the NFL website (it says: add-ah-BOY-joe), something Cousins will likely butcher after chugging his third Red Bull of the day and panting out words in an endless slur of nonsense.
#Redskins QB Kirk Cousins translates 🇺🇸 to 🇬🇧.. pic.twitter.com/o9pACwoyCl
— Washington Redskins (@Redskins) October 28, 2016
(No one asked Cousins to do this)
18. Tennessee Titans (9-7)
Speedy Noil, WR (Texas A&M)
After the Titans addressed a defensive weakness in their earlier pick, the Tennessee personnel will likely shift their attention to helping out Mariota (aka the draft quarterback that DIDN’T steal a crab in his pants) on the offense. A person they won’t help out: Jeff Fisher will likely turn up asking for a job, his mullet still intact, but the front office will chase him away with a broom.
Last season saw the Titans strongly commit to the running game, which could be downgraded with the power of Mariota’s arm this year.
Speedy Noil has the name of an offensive Looney Tunes character, but runs the way his name describes. Coming out of New Orleans high school, Noil ranked best in the NIKE SPARQ (a lazy abbreviation for Speed, Power, Agility, Reaction, Quickness). The quickness and athleticism should have him ranked higher on draft boards, but boneheaded off-the-field antics have him dropped considerably in most scouting circles.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7)
Charles Walker – DT (South Garland, Oklahoma)
The Buccaneers have a pirate ship in their stadium, which is the coolest feature to any sports team ever. Considering how there’s actually nothing else in Tampa Bay besides golf courses and putt-putt, the vessel is a city-wide landmark – an impressive architecture addition to a pretty lousy team.
Up close view of the pirate ship at Raymond James Stadium. Aye, matey! #Saints #Bucs pic.twitter.com/otNRohCxlA
— Scott Rabalais (@RabalaisAdv) December 11, 2016
(Jacked from Disney World’s Pirates ride.)
Jameis Winston (aka the draft quarterback that DID steal a crab leg) has been as advertised with the limited depth he has around him on the offense, but expect the Bucs to focus on the defensive side of the ball with this pick. Free agency will rupture a sizable hole in the hull of the unit, with William Gholston, Akeem Spence, John Huges and Sealver Silva abandoning ship.
With a large physique, Oklahoma DT Charles Walker has the strength to play with speed and bust through a blocker’s edge. In four games his senior campaign, the South Garland product made seven tackles and 2.5 for loss, but suffered a season ending concussion where he opted to become a pro.
(Literally, the only thing to do in Tampa.)
20. Denver Broncos (9-7)
Kyle Fuller, C (Wylie, Baylor)
Since Peyton Manning left Denver to do more Nationwide commercials, John Elways’ team has been all over the place at the position. With rumors of Tony Romo heading to Mile High City for medicinal winning purposes, the Broncos will likely select an offensive line that allowed forty sacks this season – third most in football. If they get Romo, this doesn’t bode well for his collarbone, an injury that paved the way for a rookie named Dak and a running back that looks suspiciously like a chipmunk from a Rankin/Bass Christmas puppet production.
https://twitter.com/GingyForTheWin/status/683009534525181952
(Chipmunk & Ezekiel Elliot in the same google search yields some disturbing things.)
Kyle Fuller is a large addition to the offensive front, starting in his last 39 games with the Bears. At 306 pounds, he has the physical traits a team will likely develop.
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