by Kyle Spishock
@kyleelconqueror
Welcome to Mascot Melee! In each corner of the ring are Texas High School Football mascots revved up and ready to brawl for the playoff title belt. Who will be KO’ed? And which school will remain standing — costume gloves raised in triumph over their rival.
Let’s examine the tale of the tape:
Manvel Mavericks v. Temple Wildcats
Mascots
A maverick is an independent minded person, or an unbranded calf, or an independent minded unbranded calf. Maverick is also the name of the protagonist of Top Gun, a film starring Tom cruise and featuring the most erotic game of volleyball the world has ever seen. Furthermore, it’s the name of a franchise in Dallas owned and operated by the Shark Tank guy, featuring a German baller with a obsession with David Hasselhoff tunes.
The Wildcats are the school mascot for East High – the location of Disney’s smash High School Musical. Following a love struck pair of adolescents, the TV movie franchise spawned the career of Zak Efron, and literally destroyed the career of the rest of the ensemble, save Vanessa Hudgens’ occasional TMZ appearance.
I’ll pick the many definitions of a maverick over an animal that represents Disney ruining child actor’s lives.
Mascot advantage: Mavericks
Matchup
Manvel handed Cedar Park their first loss under coach Carl Abseck, snapping a 28-game winning streak. The talent is found in the Mavericks’ defense; they’ve allowed only 12.3 points per game through the postseason, posted two shutouts, and saw one game go over 21 points against arguably the best team in Division I 5A. It should be a clear path to the championship game for a team that has never won the state title.
Advantage: Manvel
The Woodlands Highlanders v. Round Rock Dragons
Mascots
The film Highlander has one of the most quotable and parodied lines in cinema history: “There can only be one!” The soundtrack was performed to stadium rock perfection by Queen and featured the dude that played Rayden and Tarzan. The Woodlands possess so much pop culture love, their name “The Woodlands Highlanders” even sounds like the gamer tag of a very successful World of Warcraft Druid.
Round Rock Dragons sounds like a dopey mystical creature sung by a hippie with an acoustic guitar, humming a melody about caring and loving and eating as much candy as you want.
Too much of a sweet tooth for me. No dragon can take on an immortal struggling to reach the time of the Gathering.
Mascot advantage: Highlander
Matchup
The biggest storyline in high school football is the tragic injury to Highlanders’ linebacker Grant Milton, who suffered a blow to the head that put him in a coma. Coach Mark Schmid claims they are playing for Grant, rallying around a cause that transcends the game. They’ll win it too, averaging 41 points in 10 straight games and allowing seven points or fewer in half their games, 14.4 overall.
The Woodlands were already favored to make the state championships, but the plight of an injured student makes winning all the more important for the Highlanders.
Advantage: Woodlands
Levelland Lobos v. Wylie Bulldogs
Lobo is the Spanish word for wolf and is a successful DC character that borrows heavily from Wolverine. The Mexican wolf was regarded locally as a symbol of war and the sun. In 2015, a survey conducted showed an increase of wild wolves from the previous two years; an accomplishment as a species, but a real bummer for any little critters hopping along peacefully, soon to frolic right on the predator’s plate.
Bulldogs are the fourth most popular pure bred in America and always look grumpy about something. Their image is printed on every Mug Root Beer can, happily saluting the drinker with a glass of the frothy beverage. As charming as that is, points deducted for Wylie missing an opportunity and not naming their team Coyote.
Mascot advantage: Lobos
Matchup
Levelland quarterback Nick Gerber set the single-season state record with 76 touchdown passes, ranking third all-time with 5,401 passing yards — just shy of Shelton Eppler’s 5,444 yards and Travis Quintanilla season best 5,557. Gerber currently needs three scores to pass Eppler’s mark and 28 to equal Quintanilla’s 184.
The Lobo’s field general will have his hands full against a Bulldogs unit that has allowed just 13 points per game — coughing up more than 14 points twice. Levelland has the advantage offensively with a whopping 56 points per game, but have fallen two consecutive years to Wylie in the postseason.
Three times the charm, especially since the Lobos defense is giving opponents 32.3 points per game, allowing over 70 points three times.
Advantage: Wylie
Gilmer Buckeyes v. Celina Bobcats
Mascots
I’m terribly allergic to cats, so being consumed by a big one like a lion or tiger is my worst nightmare. Not only would I have to endure the pain of jaws three times as strong as humans tearing into my flesh, I’d have an allergic reaction — Quasimodo being gobbled alive by a hungry predator. Bobcats can live pretty much anywhere including suburbia as along as it can find a suitable habitat. Usually bobcats don’t attack people or dogs, unless sick or rabid — which isn’t the most pleasant concern to have while embarking on a pleasant stroll in the woods.
Besides being the nickname of the entire state of Ohio — a much more appealing moniker than the Browns, which sounds like sewage — the Buckeye is apparently a nut from a tree, that looks like a deer eye. People must have been pretty bored in the 1800s when they named this thing. Farmer John took a gander at the nut and exclaimed, “why… I’ll say Bethel, these look like a buck…eye!”
Oh, and apparently they’re poisonous to people and animals. Just like all Cleveland teams. Oops, did I say that?
Advantage: Push
Matchup
Gilmer lost to Celina back in 2015 — the lone loss on a perfect season, falling 49-44. The Buckeyes are currently 12-1, and have won 26 of 28 games beneath second year coach Matt Turner. Both programs are high-scoring powerhouses; Gilmer is averaging 49.7 points per game (646 total) and Celina has 47.8 points per game (622 total).
Buckeyes shot-caller Aaron Brown has season record 4,314 yards and 42 touchdowns, and posses a strong pass attack with wideout LaMarcus Morton, whose nabbed 59 receptions for 1,118 yards and 11 TDs. Gilmer gets the job done and avenges last year’s loss.
Advantage: Gilmer
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