by Kyle Spishock
1. Houston — Last Week: 1 (9-3)
Before coach Tom Herman accepted the UT job, Houston probably had the highest chance of winning a Bowl game amongst FBS Texas teams. Now, their postseason visit is the equivalent of going to a mutual friends wedding with your ex; the tension will likely spoil any chance of victory.
(Keeping Austin weird, one kiss at a time)
The question now is whether Texas made the decision Saturday for a coaching change, or notified Herman weeks ago — which could have contributed to the Cougars going 4-3 in the second half of the season, after starting undefeated. The future Longhorns coach gave Texas high school football shoutout during his inauguration press conference.
(Sam Ehlinger teared up during this speech)
2. Texas A&M — Last Week: 2 (8-4)
Rumors are swirling that Kevin Sumlins Aggie days are done, after his third consecutive season of ending the year on a losing note. Why does Sumlin only have one more loss than Herman, but the Houston coach is the next great thing for the Longhorns? A&M succumbed to their annual November struggles, as natural as Autumn leaves changing colors in the fall. The Aggies are currently 1-6 at home against SEC West opponents since 2013 winning season. Expect college station to give Sumlin another chance. If Tech can cling to Kingsbury with a 9.4 million buyout, the Aggies will definitely take their chances on a man with a steep 15 million dollar price tag if they dismiss him from the program.
(Sumlin’s like a good massage: starts intense, ends nice and slow)
3. TCU — Last Week: 4 (6-5)
The Horned Frogs put a nail in the coffin of coach Charlie Strong’s UT career, ending the third year HC’s stay as the worst win loss percentage in Austin history (.432). The win gave TCU bowl eligibility for the third consecutive year; 14 bowls in 16 seasons under coach Gary Patterson. The defensive effort finally resembled the experienced group billed as the best in the Big-12 preseason. Despite the 165 rushing yards by D’Onta Foreman, the Frogs kept the Longhorns out of the end-zone, forced UT field goals, and sacked quarterback Shane Buechele four times. In the past three season, TCU has made taxidermy out of the Longhorns, outscoring Texas 129-26.
(Kenny Trill has a way with words)
4. UTSA — Last Week: 8 (6-6)
The Roadrunners are only the fourth team in Texas eligible for a Bowl game, and unlike Baylor – who have dropped five consecutive games – may be able to pull off an upset. After seven years of building the football program from the ground up, UTSA has their first bowl berth in school history with a 33-14 win over Charlotte. First year coach Frank Wilson’s accomplishments have even gotten the attention of former LSU grad Tyrann Mathieu:
(Meanwhile, the Roadrunners have a better record than the Arizona Cardinals)
The victory tied an FBS record for shortest start-up program to make a bowl trip in six season; the only other teams that qualified in such a short span were South Alabama and Georgia State. There are six contracted Bowls affiliated with Conference USA that the Runners can be eligible for.
(Frank Wilson has no idea what the words to this song are)
5. Tech — Last Week: 7 (5-7)
A win against floundering Baylor 54-35 isn’t going to propel the Red Raiders into any conversations about excellent football execution. What is sure to be included in water-cooler talks is quarterback Patrick Mahomes incredible game, all beneath the lights of an NFL stadium. The junior threw for 586 yards, matched a career high six touchdown passes, and finished the year with 5,052 yards — the third FBS player with multiple seasons of more than 5,000 total yards in history.
(Breaking: Kingsbury to replace Mahomes as starter, with Cliff Kingsberry, who looks suspiciously like the Tech coach)
Mahomes hasn’t made a decision on whether or not he will declare for the draft or return for his senior season; pundits are leaning towards the latter, prompting OSU coach Mike Gundy to compare Mahomes to a certain Dallas Cowboys rookie. “He reminds me a lot of Dak Prescott…” Sunday said in a news conference. “The style of play, body, strength, speed, ability to throw in different positions, it reminds me a lot of him.”
(Mullets are for winners)
6. Baylor — Last Week: 5 (6-5)
7. UT — Last Week: 3 (5-7)
8. UNT — Last Week: 6 (5-7)
9. SMU — Last Week: 9 (5-7)
10. UTEP — Last Week: 11 (4-8)
11. Rice — Last Week: 10 (3-9)
12. Texas State — Last Week: 12 (2-9)